


Swords and Shades and Self Loathing

by swordmouse



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Because fuck the epilogues, Earth C (Homestuck), Gen, Mentions of Bro abusing Dave, Not Epilogue Compliant, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:35:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22739683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swordmouse/pseuds/swordmouse
Summary: Terezi and Dirk accidentally give each other therapy. It's Dirk's depression vs. Terezi's depression in this rooftop court roleplay clinical depression showdown.
Relationships: Terezi Pyrope & Dirk Strider
Comments: 7
Kudos: 21





	Swords and Shades and Self Loathing

As you look over the skyline of Can Town, you decide that this rooftop is as good a spot as any for sitting and obsessing over your mistakes.

You ran into Dave today. You were too quiet approaching him, and he flinched when he first noticed you. He tried to play it off, but you’d seen the fear in his eyes during that split second when he recognized you. You’re a monster. He’d be better off if you left him alone, like you’re leaving Jake alone and like you should be leaving everyone else alone. They all deserve a new start on this planet. They earned a happy ending without you in it.

Something hard taps you in the back.

“Watch it,” you say, then turn around, and your eyes travel up Terezi’s cane to the biggest grin you have ever seen.

“DON’T YOU KNOW TH4T 1 C4N’T ‘W4TCH’ 4NYTH1NG, D1RK? HOW COULD YOU S4Y SUCH 4 TH1NG TO 4 POOR, H3LPL3SS BL1ND G1RL? 1 THOUGHT W3 W3R3 COOL—”

You are already apologizing profusely. Terezi continues to verbally destroy you.

“I didn’t mean anything by it, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was you—”

“D3SP1C4BL3, 4BSOLUT3LY D3SP1C4BL3, TO MOCK SOM3ON3’S D1S4B1L1TY L1K3 TH4T—”

“I’m so sorry, I swear I didn’t mean it like that—”

“WH4T K1ND OF 4 MONST3R WOULD 3V3N—”

“God, I fuck everything up, I’m the worst,” and you didn’t mean to say that last bit out loud but you’re still not fully used to being around other people and she did interrupt you mid-self flagellation session.

“WH4T G1V3S YOU TH3 R1GHT TO CL41M TH4T T1TL3? WHO S4YS 1’M NOT TH3 WORST?”

“Are you the worst?”

“NO, 4ND 1’M WORS3 TH4N YOU 4R3.”

“I doubt that.”

“Y34H? 1’V3 B33N TH3 4CCOMPL1C3 1N TH3 MURD3R OF HUNDR3DS OF 1NNOC3NT CH1LDR3N. VR1SK4 CL41M3D SH3 W4S ONLY K1LL1NG TH3 GU1LTY ON3S, BUT TH4T W4S 4 L13. HOW M4NY K1DS H4V3 YOU F3D TO 4 G14NT SP1D3R, D1RK?”

“None.”

“TH3 PROS3CUT1ON R3STS H3R C4S3.”

“Wait, who’s prosecuting whom here?”

“1’M PROS3CUT1NG MYS3LF, K33P UP, D1RK.”

“It sounds like you didn’t know what Vriska was doing. If anything, that’s proof of Vriska’s guilt, not yours.”

“4S H3R FL4RP P4RTN3R 4ND CLOS3ST H4T3FR13ND, 1T W4S MY R3SPONS1B1L1TY TO K33P H3R 1N CH3CK 4ND CH4NG3 H3R B3FOR3 SH3 W3NT OFF TH3 D33P 3ND. 1 F41L3D NUM3ROUS T1M3S, R3SULT1NG 1N TH3 D34THS OF M4NY 1NNOC3NT TROLLS. TH4T BL4M3 F4LLS ON M3.”

“That’s bullshit. You shouldn’t be trying to fix your friends. Trust me, it doesn’t work and it destroys all your relationships.”

“DO YOU R34LLY TH1NK TH4T YOUR S1TU4T1ON W4S COMP4R4BL3 TO M1N3?”

“Maybe not. None of my friends were murderers, unless you count Caliborn as a friend. But you can’t take responsibility for other people’s actions, only your own.”

Terezi pokes you in the chest with her cane. She’s still standing over you, and you scoot over so she’ll sit down on the roof’s edge with you. She sits, still gesticulating with her cane.

“SO WH1CH 4CT1ONS 4R3 YOU T4K1NG R3SPONS1B1L1TY FOR, D1RK? L4Y OUT YOUR 3V1D3NC3 FOR M3. WH4T 4R3 YOUR 4LL3G3D CR1M3S?”

You begin the recitation that runs through your head constantly. “I manipulated Jake into dating me. I made him kiss my severed head, which was the action with the best probable outcome in that situation, but still a fucked up thing to do to him. Along with my splinters, I subjected him to constant harassment until he stopped responding altogether, and then continued to message him afterwards. I was suffocating. Even before I dated him, I tried to puppeteer everyone’s life. I tried to shape Jake into someone more like Jane and Jane into someone more like Jake. I thought I knew what was best for everybody. I was never the friend that Roxy deserved. I couldn’t love her like she loved me. I traumatized Dave.”

“OBJ3CT1ON! TH3 PROS3CUT1ON H4S PR3V1OUSLY 4SS3RT3D TH4T ON3 C4N ONLY CL41M R3SPONS1B1L1TY FOR ON3’S OWN 4CT1ONS. NOW YOU 4CCUS3 YOURS3LF OF TH3 CR1M3S OF 4 D1FF3R3NT UN1V3RS3’S D1RK?”

Now you’re the prosecution too? This courtroom roleplay is getting convoluted.

“I take the blame for my splinters.”

“YOUR SO-C4LL3D ‘SPL1NT3RS’ 4R3 NOT YOU.”

“They might as well be.”

“W3 C4N’T T4K3 CR3D1T FOR OUR 4LT3RN4T3 S3LV3S. 4NOTH3R T1M3L1N3’S T3R3Z1 F1X3D OUR T1M3L1N3. 1’M NOT CONGR4TUL4T1NG MYS3LF FOR WH4T SH3 D1D.”

“Why not? It’s still you.”

“TH3 F4CT TH4T 4 B3TT34 V3RS1ON OF M3 N33D3D TO S3ND JOHN FUCK1NG 3GB3RT TO F1X MY M1ST4K3S DO3S NOT 3X4CTLY F1LL M3 W1TH PR1D3. 1 DON’T G3T 4NY W4RM FUZZY F33L1NGS FROM TH1NK1NG 4BOUT TH3 F4CT TH4T TH3 B3ST V3RS1ON OF M3 1S PROB4BLY TH3 ON3 WHO H4T3-D4T3D 4 CLOWN 4ND TH3N D13D.”

“But it’s still a version of you. Her actions say something about your fundamental character. You had the potential to become her, just like I have the potential to become the man who abused Dave.”

“1RR3L3V4NT.”

“It seems pretty goddamn relevant to me.”

“1’M JUDG1NG YOU ON TH3 CHO1C3S YOU M4D3, NOT TH3 P4THS YOU D1DN’T T4K3.”

“I thought you were prosecuting yourself. Are you my defense and the judge and jury as well?”

“YOU’R3 D3FL3CT1NG. 4ND Y3S, 1 4M. W4TCH 1T, OR 1’LL B3COM3 H1S HONOR4BL3 TYR4NNY, TOO.”

“I won’t ask what that means.” You figure you don’t want to know about whatever aspects of the troll justice system didn’t make it to your Earth. “Even if we disregard the actions of my splinters, my own actions were reprehensible enough. My negative impact on my friends should be more than enough to find me guilty.”

“1 DOUBT YOUR FR13NDS WOULD 4GR33 W1TH TH4T 4SS3SSM3NT.”

“Then I’ve manipulated them into thinking I’m a better person than I am, which makes me even worse.”

“DO YOU KNOW WH4T MY CL4SS 4ND 4SP3CT 4R3, D1RK?”

“Seer of mind?”

“4ND 1S TH4T 4 GOGD4MN3D JOK3 TO YOU? YOU TH1NK YOU’R3 FOOL1NG M3 1NTO L1K1NG YOU, HUH, YOU TH1NK 1’M 4N 1D1OT?”

“You like me?”

“YOU 4R3 TH3 MOST FRUSTR4TING P3RSON 1’V3 T4LK3D TO 4LL P3R1G33, 4ND TH4T’S R34LLY S4Y1NG SOM3TH1NG CONS1D3R1NG MY USU4L COMP4NY. Y3S, 1 L1K3 YOU, YOU STUBBORN 4SSHOL3. 4ND 1 CONS1D3R MYS3LF 4 PR3TTY GOOD JUDG3 OF CH4R4CT3R, SO UNL3SS YOU W4NT TO F1GHT M3 ON TH4T, YOU C4N 4CC3PT YOUR 1NNOC3NT V3RD1CT.”

“You’re ignoring the evidence for my guilt.”

“YOUR 3V1D3NC3 FOR YOUR GU1LT 1S 1NSUFF1C13NT. OH, BOO HOO, SO YOU M4D3 YOUR CRUSH K1SS YOUR S3V3R3D H34D, SO 4N 4LT3RN4T3 V3RS1ON OF YOU 4BUS3D D4V3, SO WH4T. 1 K1LL3D D4V3 ONC3.”

“What?”

“W3LL, 1 DOOM3D 4 D4V3 BY FL1PP1NG 4 CO1N 4ND SPL1TT1NG TH3 T1M3L1N3. S4M3 3FF3CT.”

“Damn.”

“Y34H.”

“I still don’t agree that my offenses are minor.”

“TH3Y S33M PR3TTY M1NOR TO M3.”

“Then maybe you’re not qualified to judge— ow!”

She thwaps you on the head with her cane.

“TH3 V4R1OUS DYSFUNCT1ONS OF YOUR FR13ND GROUP 4R3 NOT SOL3LY 4TTR1BUT4BL3 TO YOU, NOR 4R3 TH3Y SUFF1C13NT TO CONV1CT.”

“You don’t understand. I’m to blame for all of their problems. Everything is my fault.” You’re starting to raise your voice without really meaning to.

“TH4T’S TH3 MOST 4RROG4NT TH1NG 1’V3 3V3R H34RD.”

“What?”

“YOU H4T3 YOURS3LF SO MUCH TH4T YOU TH1NK YOU’R3 TH3 MOST 1MPORT4NT P3RSON 1N TH3 UN1V3RS3. YOUR 1MP4CT 1SN’T TH4T S1GN1F1C4NT, D1RK. SOM3 TH1NGS 4R3 OUT OF YOUR CONTROL.”

“And yet, you think you should have prevented all of Vriska’s crimes.”

“Y3S!”

“Your logic is inconsistent. If you’re guilty, then so am I.”

“TH3N M4YB3 1’M NOT GU1LTY!”

There’s a long silence, and then Terezi cackles.

“TH1S W4S GOOD. YOU SHOULD TR3SP4SS ON MY D3PRESS1ON S4DT1M3S BROOD-ROOF MOR3 OFT3N.”

“I didn’t realize this was your spot.”

“COURT 4DJOURN3D.” She stands and offers you a hand up. You take it, and she yanks you to your feet a little too hard. “S4M3 T1M3 N3XT W33K, TH3N?”

You think about it. You don’t agree with her verdict, but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t feel better than you normally do at the end of one of your guilt spirals.

“Yeah,” you say, “same time next week.”


End file.
